Against my better judgment, I bought a book called "twilight", wondering what all the fuss was about. I heard it was bad, I heard it was good. But really, was it just an overreaction? I mean, no published book can be that bad, can it?

...

Well, I read through it, and I'm still wondering what the hell I had just read.
It's basically about a girl called Bella Swan who moves to Forks (but doesn't want to go to Forks, because...?), who meets a guy named Edward Cullen. And boy, does the story like to hammer it into our heads, how perfect, perfect, angel, sparkly smile, chiseled chest, marble statue, Edward is. I ended up laughing. One action scene occurs about page 400, which is poorly written (all of it is badly written), just a few lines, and the worst thing is, Bella falls unconscious. Then they go to prom. YAY!!!!!!!!

All the characters are annoying, whiny, and unappealing. There was nothing likable about them.

Bella is a complete Mary Sue. The first day she comes to school everyone was hitting on her, I mean everyone. Especially when the school dance was coming up, all the guys were asking her, even the one who almost ran her down. Is this normal? And she's obviously smart, seeing that she was in the top class in science in her previous school, and already did most of the course work before she moved. Her only flaw, is her clumsiness, but it's written in a way that sounds stupid and seems that it was put there for the heck of it.

And Edward, the flawless bastard, who even when the rain soaked his hair and clothes, still looked like a model out of a hair gel commercial. No joke. Even his voice is of an angel, musical, wonderful, etc. The descriptions never let up. But sometimes I swear his behaviour is similar to bipolar disorder. One line he's all happy and shit, the next he's cold and demanding, not to mention possessive.
As he says: 'I'm not angry at you, Bella.' I beg to differ.

The book is filled with such memorable lines such as: 'You're my type of heroin', 'I love you.' "I reminded", and 'so the lion fell in love with the lamb (and thought about having lamb chops for dinner)'. How romantic.

The best part, finding out the reason why Edward doesn't want to come into the sunlight. He's just too shiny.

Why are you being so emo about it, Edward? You're a walking bling thing! No one's going to think you're a monster, because you're covered in diamonds.

And why does the whole Cullen family (except for the doctor and the wife) feel compelled to go to high school? I thought they were there, looking for young victims to drink from...

...

Just leave me to cry in the corner. I've had enough.